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I’m transferring this topic from a short email thread. It was prompted by observations by Bill Porter about the need to let people sit quietly if they wish. Lightly edited to make it easier to see paragraph breaks.
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FROM MIKE FOXWORTH:
All
– A comment prompted while working on the starter document:
– Bill made a urgent plea for us to not ask people to speak up in a meeting or call out the names of people.
– I just wanted to push back. A little.
– Extensive research has shown the primary benefit of a support group, the reason they remain so useful and powerful, is a concept called “feeling felt”. It is the knowledge (“feeling”) that there are at least some others in the group who understand what the speaker is going through.
Bill seemed to be speaking of lessons-learned from a different context (teaching professionals?), not a support group context.
– In a face-to-face meeting this “feeling” might easily happen in side conversations. In a Zoom meeting, where side conversations are much harder or impossible, speaking up may be necessary for that feeling to develop.
– I think Bill’s concern is valid, but am concerned that we not lose sight of this fundamental aspect of a support group. I’m not sure how to thread this needle.
Mike
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Diva responding to Mike:
Mike,
– In the support group context, each person is at a different stage in their processing of the fact that they have PN. Some may just want to learn and listen and might not be comfortable with sharing their experiences just yet. Even if that’s not the case, someone might be having a bad/low-energy day and just might not feel like talking. It takes time to get people to open up, and trying to push them to do so when they’re not ready can only drive them away.
– We just have to trust that as we improve our member retention, people attend enough meetings to become comfortable and eventually choose to speak up. As for our speakers “feeling felt,” I agree that it’s important. I think that’s something we as the core team along with our regular members can achieve by trying to be as vocal as possible when someone shares their experiences, especially if nobody else reacts.
– A support group should be a place people can come to and feel supported while having nothing expected of them, and calling them out by name or making them feel guilty for not speaking seems counterproductive.
Diva
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Bill Porter responding to Mike:
Mike, I don’t know about your “extensive research”, but I have learned from first hand experience. I know from both the academic and non-academic world that it does go well to challenge a student or person to speak up. Besides my academic career from high school to college, I was a mentor, sponsor and counselor to children and adults in number of support groups excluding the D.C./VA. Peripheral Support Group. I suggest to you that when I am chosen to moderate said group that you do NOT challenge a member to speak. Respectively, Bill
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Joanne Responding to Bill
Bill, I think you meant to say that it does NOT go well to challenge a student or person to speak up. Is that correct?
JoanneResponding to Diva:
I was glad you acknowledged my concern about “feeling felt”. I think it is good “to be as vocal as possible when someone shares their experiences, especially if nobody else reacts.”
I wonder if there are other techniques available.
Perhaps use of introductory remarks (repeated during the meeting when appropriate) that encourage sharing, perhaps such as
— As Diva and Bill emphasize, we do not want people to feel guilty for not speaking up. “Speak when comfortable.”
— there are no “stupid questions”,
— All of us start from some ignorance. Unfortunately, those of us with a lot of knowledge and experience feel our ignorance growing constantly.
— we are truly interested in what they are bringing to the meeting since our experiences are so varied and we are all learning (some of us after more than 20 years of PN experience)
— Given the differences in symptoms, “us old hands” feel “felt” when we talk of our experiences with others who have the similar ones (both positive and negative). Not everyone in a meeting has the same symptoms so it takes speaking up to find those with “mine”.
— Helping others adds “meaning” to life. They all can help us. And give us an opportunity to help others. Us “old hands” are here for a reason.
— Encourage them to respond to statements from other members.
— side conversations are often the most fruitful. That can happen awkwardly with private chat. Or, if we can find out the need, we can open a break-out room for people to join.
If we keep the discussion going, maybe we can find a “best practice”
Mike
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